Tag Archives: self love

You are so deserving

What happens when we get stuck in belief systems where we think we are not deserving of love, success, wealth, abundance, joy, health, or amazingdeserving 2 relationships?

Well I’m starting to see a pattern.

Whenever I am firmly set in a belief of “I am not worthy” or “I am not deserving” of something, it becomes almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. What do I mean by that?

I self-sabotage. I self-sabotage like a motherfucker.

I am in a (relatively) new relationship and, without going into any detail I will just say that it’s going really well. But despite my intense joy and fulfillment (MOST of the time) I sometimes find myself in a state of unworthiness, of feeling undeserving of this great relationship.

And it doesn’t hit me as obviously as you would expect. No, instead that feeling of being unworthy creeps in from behind and stops me in my tracks. It shows itself when I question intentions, start to lose trust, and become full of doubt.

Do I have good reason for this? Is this person I am involved with causing me alarm? Nope. Absolutely not. In fact, they are SO rock solid and trustworthy that I am constantly blown away that a person like this exists.

So what is to be done here? There’s got to be a way to shift this, to turn it around.

There is.

I actually expressed these sentiments to my new partner and he simply replied “You are so deserving.” I almost cried when I read them. I needed to hear those exact words so badly and it has become a mantra for me whenever I begin to doubt.

When I start to believe and live this mantra out loud I begin to see its manifestation not only in my relationship, but it starts to become easier to believe that I am deserving of other things in life such as abundance, financial success, professional success, emotional availability. My list continues to grow.

I’m not talking about wishful thinking here but instead building up on what already exists that is real and true. What is real is that I’ve got a guy who thinks the world of me – so I’m going to keep falling into this wonderful journey we have started.

What is true is that I am pouring my heart and soul into a career that is meaningful and empowering and therefor I have no reason not to create all sorts of abundance in this life.

What are some things that you feel undeserving of? Is it health? (I have struggled with this one as well with my migraines.)

Or maybe it’s feeling loved for the very person that you are.

Sometimes we need to hear those words over and over. Sometimes just saying them to ourselves doesn’t always do it. Seek out those people who are going to remind you that You Are So Deserving.

And I am here to remind you that, if you are reading this, you are so deserving.

I’m going to make you a promise right here, right now. That when you start to open up about this stuff, you start to heal, and you will start to grow and notice change. If you are fearful of sharing in an open forum then my inbox is always open.

With Love,

Maggie

PS. Book your FREE 30 minute coaching call with me today by clicking here. XOXO

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Here’s How You Can Prepare for “Bikini Body” Season

bikinibodyIn case you haven’t already been reminded, bikini season is almost upon us. And chances are you have seen a multitude of messages letting you know the various methods to obtain your perfect bikini body through detoxes, yoga, and bootcamps.

Before signing up for that Bikini Body Bootcamp – take a beat – and listen. Listen to yourself and what your intentions are for obtaining the so-called “bikini body.”

I have to first clarify that there is nothing wrong with exercise. I don’t know how I would get through my own existence without it. But if the primary intention behind exercise is to alter the shape of your body so that you can finally rock that bikini and to seek approval… then I’d like to have a talk…

The very nature of the “Bikini Body” phenomenon is that our bodies are simply not suitable for a bikini just as they are. The phenomenon preaches that we have to go through great lengths to prepare them for the season whether through cleanses or bootcamps, or sadly sometimes both. Why is it that we can’t just make a nice smooth transition from winter to summer months without feeling pressure to change our bodies? Why is it that it can’t be as simple as shedding the layers and donning a bikini? Boom! There’s your bikini body.

Instead we are bombarded with messages that we MUST do something to change the way we look before that can possibly happen. There is a belief that exists here that if I’m going to reveal my body to the world, it better be perfect – that anything less is unacceptable – this is heartbreaking.

Even if we want a bikini body just for ourselves, we hold ourselves to a standard of non-existent perfection. I don’t always love my body, and I’ll be frank with you that when I try on my bikini once the weather starts to warm up, I tend to look at myself disparagingly.

What I often notice first is the area right around my hips, where the bikini cuts in and when it’s a really unkind bottom my belly just won’t stay put. Like it has a mind of its own. I will notice that I have cellulite on my thighs and stretch marks circumventing my entire middle. I start to do this like I’m weeding out a garden that has been covered in snow for months. I lay it all out there as I tear into myself. Never mind finding the beautiful parts of myself – the parts I like – I’m too busy ripping myself a new one.

But then I start to walk around in the bikini, I start to own it, and say “so what?” The only reason I believe (or one of the reasons) that my body has to look a certain way to rock a bikini is because society tells me so. But who is society to set the rules for how I must look? Why is it that I can’t create my own rules? The rules are: the way that I currently look is the way I am meant to be … it’s as simple as that.

Before you sign up, I challenge you: put the bikini on. In the privacy of your own home. Walk around, feel the freedom you give your skin to breathe, room too stretch and say hello after being concealed by multiple layers for months. Work on this: freedom from judgement and self-hatred. Where sure you can acknowledge the things you don’t like about your body, but you start to make your peace with them. And slowly they become the best parts about you. I promise. (And we can talk more on how to do this in a later blog.)

What if, instead of investing the time and money into getting that bikini bod, you invested it into a path of self-acceptance? Where each day you confront the relationship you have with your body. You begin a slow process of acquainting yourself with the softest, squishiest part of your outer thighs and think “Hell yeah, I am gorgeous!”

It takes time and in doing so you will most likely encounter some very raw, very uncomfortable emotions as you dig into deeply rooted pain. But allow that to flood through you – as you give your soul a total cleanse.

The motivation to exercise needs to come from somewhere else, it needs to come from a place of self-love. Because, let’s just say, you work your butt off and get the bikini body of your dreams. What happens then? Are you finished with the work? Are you happy and fulfilled? Well sometimes yes we feel fulfilled, but temporarily. We seldom dig deeper to come from a place of love and acceptance. We just can’t keep letting unrealistic societal demands or a desire to please others in our lives be our motivation to exercise.

If you want to go for that bikini bod then I say go for it. Just listen to yourself a little closer this time and answer the question: What is my intention? What is my heart saying? Make sure that in addition to doing the work for your body, you are also doing the work for your soul. That it does not become a punishment but instead a celebration for the amazing person that you are.

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Rolls, Thigh Gaps, and Spare Tires

6097785133_02db3aeb1bWhen did we learn that having “rolls” (on our stomach) is a bad thing? Furthermore, when did we learn that having these rolls makes us inherently bad?

I asked this of a dear friend and mentor of mine after reading her very moving piece pertaining to her own body image struggles and her reply was:

Society’s image: stick thin is so ingrained on our psyches that we can’t see ampleness as beauty. In Rueben’s day I’d be on the cover of Vogue.

I couldn’t agree more.

But then as I was driving to meet a client later in the day I thought to myself: wait a minute, what about the girls who ARE stick thin and are STILL unhappy with their bodies and themselves? I can think of a few friends off the top of my head who I look at and think wow they must not have any body image issues, but then they open up to me and all the self-hatred leaks out so effortlessly.

What I think this comes down to is a scarcity issue in our society. It’s a much bigger issue than I can sometimes wrap my head around. I know that people often look at me, or even read my blogs about struggling with my own body image, and think to themselves “what does she have to worry about?”

But from a young age I can remember comparing myself to the other girls who were smaller, thinner, prettier, smarter, more talented, getting into better colleges, and so forth. The comparing and subsequent self-loathing seemed endless.

I allowed myself to believe that, despite my parents best efforts in trying to reassure I was doing enough – that I was gorgeous, smart, and talented – I still firmly believed that I just wasn’t cutting it. Something had to be wrong the very makeup of me. And nevermind my little belly that I discovered at a very early age and have had a love/hate relationship with every since (mostly hate until recent years).

The conversation isn’t over. An answer has not yet been found as to how we are going to cure this illness we have in our society. I aim to continue thinking about it, writing about it, discussing it, and sharing it. And in my own small community I hope to show women and men how they can use yoga as a modality toward self-acceptance. It certainly does not happen overnight but through regular practice.

I don’t care if you can do a handstand, touch your toes, or twist into a pretzel …. what I care about is how do you take the yoga with you? How does it infiltrate your self-worth? Therein lies the true practice. When you can be standing in line at the grocery store, and look down at your legs – regardless of their shape or size – and think how grateful you are that they are holding you. Rather than ripping into how lumpy they may look, or wondering why you were one of the unlucky ones born without a thigh gap.

Or it happens when you are getting dressed in the morning. And you stop and see yourself in the mirror, and while your first inclination might be to drown in the squishiness of your belly and just plain hate yourself, instead you start to see your roundness and fullness as a representation or how full and grand your heart is.

Why can’t it all be beauty? Ampleness, thin, slim, round, full, slender, skinny minny… as long as our bodies and our souls are healthy – isn’t that true beauty?

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Crushing It, Softly

I did a yoga photoshoot yesterday. I was asked to be the subject in a local photographer’s shoot entitled “Crushing It: Portraits of Women Athletes.” My first reaction to even being asked was “Wait, what? You think I’m an athlete? You think I’m crushing it??” Hello gremlins!

In the days leading up to the shoot I was sure I would nail it. And not nail it in the sense that the photographer would get a great shot – I knew she was talented and would get the shot she wanted. I mean nail it in the sense that I would feel like a million bucks, comfortable in my own skin, as if I would all of a sudden magically transform into a total yoga babe.

But as the day of the shoot arrived, I started doubting myself, again. I still can’t hold a handstand in the middle of the room. Nor can I run very far or fast at the moment thanks to a knee/hip injury I am trying to heal. And I have to take at least one of the races I’m signed up for this year off my calendar due to said injury…

So … let’s get the straight … you still think I’m Crushing It? You still think I’m an athlete? Okay…

And then of course I had to analyze my body. No, wait, I had to deeply criticize my body.

I do not have the defined muscles like some of the other incredible subjects in the project. Even as I changed into my outfit for the shoot – a sports bra (suggested item) and yoga pants that I tried on that I picked out believing yeah I can totally rock this – I started to doubt. No, I went further than doubt – I started to really tear myself apart.

I started to see the softness around my belly button. My familiar pooch – it’s definitely still there, and probably always will be. Thought to myself why won’t it just disappear? To me the sports bra dug in and created even more softness around my chest, arms, and back. I thought to myself “is she really going to want this in her photograph?”

I could feel myself sinking and slipping deeper into that bottomless pit of self hatred.

As I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror at the studio where we were doing the shoot, I felt that familiar lump in my throat and the tears started to swell. Tears of shame about my body. That somehow the fact that I have a softness to me means that I am bad, that I am a failure, that I cannot possibly be an athlete who is crushing it. You can’t crush it with softness. Right?

But the tears were also a sadness that I could beat myself up in such a way. That I have been conditioned to criticize. To constantly look for my flaws even when at first glance I don’t even see them! I fast forward past “You look great!!!” to “What the fuck were you thinking Maggie picking a SPORTS BRA for this photoshoot??? You can’t pull this shit off.”

As I gathered my things and started to leave the bathroom, I gave myself one last glance in the mirror, I saw where my underwear cut into the softness around my hips leaving a dent, and said to myself “It doesn’t matter what you look like. That’s not what they see, that’s not what they care about.” And if I’m being totally truthful here, it’s not what I want to care about.

And then I started to do the yoga. I started to do the poses. I started to wash away the bullshit…. almost immediately. It felt like I was coming home in my body. I loved the softness of my belly that lengthened as I curled into a backbend. Conversely the strength in my back that supported me while being soft enough as if it were uttering “I love you.”

It was like all the mindfuckery had vanished. Just like that, it was gone.

The next day I put on my clothes to go or a run. There was that familiar puffiness around the top of my waist band. I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror, then felt, palpated the puffiness. I thought to myself, it is what it is. It’s me and it’s beautiful.

I know through this work that I need mantras. I need positive self-talk to pull me out of my own bullshit and shame. And the cherry on top is the yoga asana practice. Somehow it just seals the deal. It eases me into a perspective on my body and my self that allows me to really believe “hell yeah, I am crushing it.”

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Bowspring in action. Letting my belly be! Photo by Alley Maher. Another very talented local photographer.

Why can’t we see ourselves in the same light that others see us? Why oh why is it so terribly challenging? And why do we habitually resort to the self-criticism and judgement? It’s second nature to us.

Can you imagine if we talked to our friends and loved ones in the same manner we talk to ourselves?

I will say that through years of working on this I recognize the struggle may never fully go away. That I will have those moments where I define myself and my worthiness based on my appearance. Where I find myself slipping into ripping myself apart. But the work of practicing self-love comes and sweeps me up like a good friend picks you up from a bad breakup.

And I begin to turn off the negative self-talk and turn on …. believing. Believing that I am worthy, I am capable, that I am a hell of a lot more than enough. And believing that I am crushing it … softly.

If you’d like to see Irene Penny’s photo that was selected for the show (and all the other subjects she features), it will be on display Thursday May 21 6-8pm at Athleta – Westport, CT, 103 Main Street.

 

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Apparently I haven’t made myself clear … Yoga Saved Me

I was at dinner a few weeks ago with Brett and some friends. We were having a great time, laughing and joking around about … eating disorders. To be absolutely specific, it was about making yourself throw up and that transitioned to eating disorders.

I guess, thank god, I am finally at a point in my life where sometimes, SOMETIMES, I can step back and poke fun of my former self and the way that I used to operate. The harsh reality is that when you are dealing with an eating disorder, the disorder itself is not so funny, and life becomes less funny because you are constantly criticizing yourself.

treestluciaBut I digress … as the conversation started to get a little more personal, my friend paused and then asked me, “Maggie how did you get over all your stuff?” In this case “stuff” was keyword for “bulimia.”

“Yoga,” I replied.

“What? Brett?” my friend asked, misunderstanding my mumbled answer amidst the chaotic restaurant.

“No, I got over all my stuff because of my yoga practice,” I replied, a little bit louder now.

Thinking to myself, isn’t it obvious? Doesn’t everybody know that? But clearly that is not the case because I have never truly shared my full story, except for with a select few.

I’m still building up the confidence to really let it all out but even saying it at the dinner table that night, where two people who were not privy to my triumph over an eating disorder with yoga, made me flush with pride.

So this is me starting to open myself up and share my story with you. Finally.

 

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Don’t just “treat yoself” … Love yoself!

It’s #TreatYourselfTuesday and in honor of that I wanted to reflect on this whole idea of “loving ourselves.”

What does it really mean to you? I feel like I definitely get off the “I love myself” track sometimes, and so often because I start to care too much about the approval of others.

But when I start to let that go, things really start to shift.

I think Melody Beattie says it beautifully…

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I’ll take my abs just as they are thank you

I started taking a new exercise class lately to add some variety to my routine. I want to start by saying that I have loved how strong these classes make me feel – they focus on small isolated movements to strengthen various muscle groups throughout the body. I feel the difference in my yoga practice, when I run, and even when I’m sitting at my desk and writing.

ImageIt has come to my attention however that these classes focus a great deal on the physical “end result” – or the way that your body will look upon completion of an exercise. Do you get my drift? I’m probably far more sensitive to these verbal cues in class because this is something I base my work on (body image, and a healthy one at that) but I can’t help but wonder if these cues are actually helpful to the other women in the class, or further causing them to only dislike their bodies. Causing more self criticism. I’m usually able to just block out these little cues throughout class.

And then last week something pretty darn cool happened.

During the abdominal series the instructor cued us to visualize the way we want our abs to look when we are done. Here’s what happened …

I laughed to myself, feeling totally full of certainty that I like, no, I LOVE my abs just the way they are. I was filled with this warm fuzzy feeling (yup, warm and fuzzy) and excitement that I had arrived. I had arrived at a place of starting to truly love the things about my body that I had once hated and punished myself for. And as the music blasted and we kept crunching our abs, it felt like I had the most wonderful secret sitting deep within me.

So what does this mean?

Well, allow me to preface this with the fact that my “abs” have, for as long as I can remember (or since I was age six), been a “problem area” for me. My stomach has, and probably never will be, flat, defined, akin to a washboard – you get the picture. There never will be a six-pack but my stomach is soft and it is strong. It helps me get into handstands, sit up straight, hold my torso up straight while running, and breath deeply.Screen Shot 2014-04-06 at 1.26.40 PM

I’m almost certain this “ah-ha moment” is a clear indication of moving a step in the right direction. It is proof that the work of training myself out of the negative self-talk actually works. I wasn’t even trying to think positively during this class and I’m certain I will still have those low “my body isn’t good enough!”, moments. But the consistent effort of redirecting my attention AWAY from those thoughts is finally starting to work so that I am able to see my imperfections as part of a beautifully imperfect whole.

I leave you with this: I encourage you to start by simply giving yourself the opportunity to see your imperfections in a new light — even if it feels silly. Slowly start to accept them as part of what makes you beautifully imperfect.

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